FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
