I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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