k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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