My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
