The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
