I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
