it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
