His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
