This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
