I'm sorry my penis didn't work
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
