please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize