I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
