Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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