you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
