he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
