someone threw a dead crab at me
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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