I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i drank out of a bidet.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
