He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
