im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
