"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
are you so shy because you have an std?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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