I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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