Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
