I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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