I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
