he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
