Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
