Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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