I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Randomize
