drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
