There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
