2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
