mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
