I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
