Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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