you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
