I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
