My cat gives me a boner
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
