bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
