Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
