he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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