The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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