dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
