I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
