You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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