I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
