I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
