You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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