at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
