she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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