I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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