She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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