My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
