If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
