her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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