Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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