You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
