I puked a lego.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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