Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
